Things That Sound Cool With a Boston Accent 10.My trousers are full of chowder. —Ladder 17, Lieutenant Mike Walsh 9.We're only here for the beer. —Ladder 16, Thomas Blake 8.I'm going to Worcester to buy a toaster, you bastard! —Engine 53, Kevin Hoer 7.Last night I went to `Cheers' and the bartender didn't know my name, so I broke his jaw. —Ladder 29, Eddie Monroe 6.Letterman parked his car in Harvard Yard after doing 120 MPH on the Mass Pike. —Ladder 4, Kevin McCarthy 5.I had an affair with that old guy from Pepperidge Farm. —Engine 48, Troy Osgood 4.`The Bar' is wicked bizarre. —Engine 10, Barbara Marrotta 3.Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty Sark. —Ladder 24, Sean Ingram 2.Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty Sark with Marky Mark. —Engine 33, Pat Ellis 1.Don't believe Madonna -- I'm the baby's father. |
Rejected Titles for the Movie 'Speed' 10.The Speedstones 9.Jurassic Park 2: The Exploding Busosaurus 8.Honey, I Drove the Kids Really Fast on a Bus 7.Faster, Bob Barker is Chasing Us! 6.Creepy Guy in the Window 5.Debbie Does Greyhound (Times Square Only) 4.El Autobus Muy, Muy Rapido 3.Dave Letterman's Drive to Work 2.That Whacky Big-Ass Bus 1.Mrs. Busfire |
Top Ten Iraqi Bumper Stickers 10.Don't tailgate: Car bomb on board 9.Have you hugged your hostage today? 8.If we could vote, I'd vote yes on Bond Issue 6 7.If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical weapons 6.I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park 5.Baghdad Wolverines: 1986 Division Champs 4.Gay and proud of it 3.My other vehicle is a Soviet-Made T-72 tank 2.Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK 1.Honk if you still have hands |
Top Ten April Fools Day Jokes In New York City 10.Super Glue an automatic weapon to the curb and watch passerby try to pick it up 9.Put fake vomit on sidewalk right next to real vomit 8.Suicide hotline puts you on hold while playing Van Halen's "Jump" 7.Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry--- give them back their jewelry 6.Adding a tail to chalk body outlines 5.Screaming, "The stock Market is down!" then tossing life-sized dummy off roof of building 4.Instead of Miranda warning, cops say "You have the right to commit crimes" 3.Putting a "Kick Me" sign on guy's back before you throw him in East RIver 2.Cab drivers speak perfect English 1.Crack dens replace regular crack that is usually smoked there with folgers crystals |
Things That Sound Creepy When Said By John Malkovich 10."Does this look infected to you?" 9."I put my jammies on all by myself, mommy!" 8."You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one compact disc?" 7."Senator Hillary Clinton" 6."I can provide references from my last hospital job." 5."Nougat!" 4."I love you, Ted Danson." 3."Your glasses will be ready in about an hour, Ted Danson." 2."Johnny likes bunnies." 1."Who wants to be a millionaire?" |
Things You Don't Want To Hear From An Ice Cream Vendor 10."Can you believe I found all this ice cream in a dumpster?" 9."I combed those sprinkles out of my hair this morning." 8."I'm Ben and Jerry's ex-con brother Lou." 7."That ice cream is made from 100 percent squirrel milk." 6."Hey, if it isn't the Dairy Queen himself." 5."My last customer died of one of those cold headaches." 4."Doctor says I'm still highly contagious." 3."There's not a single natural ingredient in this crap on a stick." 2."Do you mind eating that here, I want to see you lick that thing." 1."By day it's an ice cream truck, by night, it's a lovemobile." |
Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend 10.Camping alone outside the theater. 9.My force is no longer with me. 8.The Death Star is not yet operational. 7.The Empire's striking out. 6.Shaking hands with the wookie. 5.Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet. 4.Oiling the droid. 3.Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe. 2.Spending the night with Han Solo. 1.Tractor beam not powerful enough |
Top Ten Greatest Books of All Time About Guys Named Steve 10."War and Peace and Steve" 9."The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves" 8."The Grapes of Steve" 7."The Steves of Wrath" 6."Steve Grapes Steve Wrath Steve Steve" 5."Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Steve is From Cleveland" 4."Where's Waldo? Is He With Steve?" 3."Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: 'Mysterious Guys Named Steve'" 2."The Joy of Sex with Steve" 1."The Bible" (King Steve Version) |
Ways To Make Golf More Exciting 10.Goodbye Payne Stewart -- Hello Payne "Stone Cold" Stewart. 9.Replace Tiger Woods with actual tiger. 8.Instead of following golf ball in air, camera now pans crowd looking for dumbest hat. 7.Instead of green jacket, Masters champion wins all the other golfers' clothes. 6.Loser has to sit with Fuzzy Zoeller at Masters dinner. 5.Each foursome must include at least one man wrongly acquitted of double homicide. 4.Two words: "Monkey caddies." 3.New hazard: Civil War re-enactments. 2.Locate at least one hole on median strip of I-95. 1.NATO bombings |
Other Names For Paul Shaffer's Baby 10.Cheech 9.Felicity 8.Tax Deduction 7.Morley Shaffer 6.I-Already-Have-More-Hair-Than-My-Father Shaffer 5.Latrell Spraffer 4.Paul 2.0 3.Rupaul Shaffer 2.Jesse "The Baby" Ventura 1.Oops! |
Things You Don't Want To Hear In a Huddle 10."Is that your femur sticking out?" 9."Immigration just hauled off our kicker." 8."I haven't been this drunk since college." 7."Hold me." 6."I think you're using my mouthpiece." 5."Uh oh! Here come those pre-game nachos!" 4."A little lower...ah, that's it." 3."Did I show you guys the complete line of Amway products yet?" 2."Did anyone lose a tongue?" 1."You think that's a groin pull -- take a look at this." |
Things I've Always Wanted To Say To Dave 10."May I be your intern?" (Mia Farrow) 9."Thanks for making my hair look so good." (Mayor Rudolph Guiliani) 8."Of all the old guys on 60 Minutes -- you're my favorite." (Puff Daddy) 7."I've always wanted to read #5 on the Top Ten list." (Michael J. Fox) 6."How come every time I'm on the show you make me run around the studio like a stupid maniac?" (Regis Philbin) 5."Thanks, Dave." (Michael J. Fox) 4."If it weren't for you, I'd be the sexiest man alive." ("Leonardo DiCaprio") 3."Dave, you are one great kisser." (Cindy Crawford) 2."Dave, you are one great kisser." (John Goodman) 1."You're adopted." (Dave's Mom) |
Top Ten United States Secrets Sold To The Russians 10.Our satellite defense system is just a Polaroid on a really tall tree 9.Of eleven herbs and spices in KFC, nine are illegal barbituates 8.Our last five presidents have all been Nixon in disguise 7.87% of all American commercials feature someone opening a refrigerator and then being greeted by a talking sandwich 6.How Donald Trump gets his hair to do that 5.Al Gore really won Florida 4.Despite his public denials, President Clinton did in fact have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky 3.The Hamburger Helper hand is real and responsible for over 100 homicides 2.Jerry Orbach's Visa number is 4114482359023411409 -- go nuts, Commie bastards! 1.The real reason Nicole is leaving Tom: Dave Letterman |
Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane 10.American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin 9.On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker 8.According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says" 7.Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles 6.Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" 5."Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan 4.Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings 3.The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty 2.Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water! 1.Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva |
Words That Sound Romantic When Spoken By Barry White 10.Jazzercise 9.Gubernatorial 8Doo-hickey 7.Dweeb 6.Bite-Me 5.Prime Time Catastrophe 4.Gingivitis 3.Pataki 2.Big Ass Ham 1.Oprah |
Top Ten Fun Things To Do While Stuck In Traffic 10.Play the exciting game "Does My Head Fit In The Glove Compartment?" 9.Roll down window, ask person next to you, "Is this the line for Pokemon?" 8.Honk your horn -- that always helps to get things moving 7.Call police, report stolen car, give license plate of car in front of you 6.Imagine you're in line of cars waiting to run over Donald Trump 5.Turn on wipers, have "race" to see which one goes faster 4.Walk up to guy in car ahead of you, ask him about his grandson 3.Use jumper cables to resuscitate roadkill 2.Plow into a couple of those dorky new VW Beetles 1.Check beverage holder for Y2K compatibility |
Other Things To Say When Stepping On The Moon 10."Set your phasers for 'fun' -- the Buzzmeister has landed!" 9."Jeez, what a dump!" 8"That's one small step for man, once giant leap for my sock puppet Winky." 7."I think I can see Ebert from here." 6."Hey, Linda McGinty of Montclair High School -- remember when you wouldn't go out with me? Well, look at me now -- I'm on the moon!" 5."I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies on the planet Earth." 4."Visa -- it's everywhere you want to be! I just made 5 million bucks." 3."Does this mean I have to miss the Smashing Pumpkins on 53rd Street?" 2."Holy Crap!" 1."Okay, I stepped on it -- now let's get the hell outta here." |
David Lettermans Top Ten Lists: |
Things That Are Hilarious To Every Human On The Face Of The Earth 10.Lewsinky 9.Viagra 8.Lewinsky 7.Viagra 6.Lewagra 5.Vialinsky 4.Buttafuoco 3.Buttafewski 2.Viafuoco 1.Viabuttalewagrinsky |
Ways to Irritate Bill Gates 10.Steal his "nerdboy" license plate. 9.Accuse him of sexually harassing your laser jet printer. 8.Beat his high score on Tetris. 7.Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair. 6.Tell him you heard he's "microsoft." 5.Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt. 4.Let the air out of the tires on the Gatesmobile. 3.Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is. 2.WWW him right in the dot-com. 1.Two words: dork tax |
U.S. Astronaut Complaints About the Russian Space Station 10. They get angry when you call them "Astro-Russkies" 9.It's powered by a donkey on a treadmill 8.There ain't nothing messier than zero-gravity borscht 7.The inflight movie always stars Yakov Smirnoff 6.They're constantly bragging that "Chekov could've beaten the crap out of Captain Kirk" 5.Ever since accident, they can't shut off the left turn signal 4.Russian Tang tastes even worse than American Tang 3.When they get mad at you, they kick-dance you right in the head 2.Russian idea of a balanced meal: half a potato and a pint of vodka 1.The damn thing smells like cabbage |
Lines You'll Never Hear Mel Gibson Say in a Movie 10.I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a nasty case of kilt rash 9.Sure I'll apprehend those drug kingpins -- right after I finish this yummy peach cobbler 8.Hey Vern 7.The ransom is two million dollars? Screw it -- just keep the kid 6.I can't shoot him, damn you! I have carpal tunnelsyndrome! 5.Pleasure to meet you, President Dole 4.G'day mate, my name is Crocodile Dundee 3.Do you think these new slacks make my ass look huge? 2.You might look like a man, but you kiss like a woman 1.That Letterman fella sure is one good-lookin'son-of-a-bitch |
Signs Your Name is Ed 10.Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed." 9.You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed." 8.When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..." 7.Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads." 6.Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed." 5.Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned. 4.You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever you run into Ed Asner. 3.It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!" 2.You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed. 1.You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim" |
Rejected Sylvester Stallone Movie Lines 10.All right, I'll talk! Just stop tickling me! 9.The name's 'Rambo,' but friends call me 'Bunny.' 8.You figure skate pretty good, Francois, but I'm the best there is. 7.Leggo me eggo, you son of a bitch. 6.I don't care what round it is. He hit me; it hurt, and I'm quitting. 5.How long before I become a real woman, doctor? 4.Mom, have you seen my Jurassic Park underpants anywhere? 3.My name is Rocky Gump. 2.Hey, you've got a nice ass for a jockey. 1.I love you Richard Simmons! |
Singapore Tourist Slogans 10.You'll never sit down again! 9.Singapore -- Spanking clean! 8.Screw with us, and we'll beat the crap out of you! 7.Singapore -- It's canerific! 6.Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch! 5.We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95! 4.Give us a week, and we'll take off the flesh! 3.Drop your pants, round-eyes! 2.You can bet your ass you'll have fun! 1.Bend over! |
Rejected James Bond Gadgets 10.Glove-compartment Slurpee machine 9.Super-itchy pants 8.Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser 7.Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves 6.Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean 5.Laser-action Flowbee 4.More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit 3.Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper 2.Real killer-detecting nine iron 1.The Quiz Machine |
Least Popular Snapple Flavors 10.Hudson River Punch 9.Creme De Kato 8.Iced Tea With Bloated Ticks 7.Stuff Found Under The Couch Cushions Cocktail 6.Richard Simmons Tank Top Squeezin's 5.Liquid Trout 4.Vick's Vap-O-Drink 3.Monkey Juice 2.Kevorkian Colada 1.Crapple |
Ways to Mispronounce 'Newt Gingrich' 10.Ging Newtrich 9.Gewt Ningrich 8.Nut Grinderswitch 7.Ghingis Newt 6.Mr. Goodwrench 5.Grinch Neutron 4.Newt Gringhers 3.Newtros Newtros-Gingy 2.El Newto Gingricho 1.Naginga!!! |
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top Ten Rejected Movie Lines 10."My, what a lovely lace doily!" 9."Oww! A paper cut!" 8."Man oh man, do I love fudge!" 7."It's not a purse, it's a utility bag." 6."Do you have any of those 'ouchless' Band-Aids?" 5."Can you please open this jar of olives for me? 4."Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!" 3."Can you just let me keep my credit cards?" 2."Help me, Letterman! Help me!" 1."Who else loves show tunes?" |
Some Guy Named Jim's Top Ten Names For His New Hat Store 10.Jimbo's Cap Shack 9.Jim's Brims 8.Admiral Jim's Hats Ahoy! 7.The Jim O'Shantery 6.Hat's 'R' Jim 5.Jim's Bulletproof/Knifeproof/Spitproof Hats (New York City Only) 4.Jim, Your Hat Smells Terrific 3.Wally's Hat Stop (under new management) 2.If You Don't Want A Hat, Then Screw You 1.Colonel Jim's Kentucky Fried Hats |
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Was Named Phil 10.ALmost impossible to get personal license plate "Phil" 9.Ben and Jerry's ice cream now called Phil and Phil's 8.Expectant parents could be heard saying "Phil if its a boy and Phil if its a girl" 7.When caller to Donahue show said "Phil?" everyone in audience would reply "Yes?" 6.007 fans look forward to classic line, "Bond, Phil Bond." 5.Instead of screaming, "Watch where your going, you stupid bastard!" New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where your going, Phil, you stupid bastard!" 4.Could throw an office into total confusion by calling and asking, "Is Tony there?" 3.Teenage pranksters woould call airport and have them page Phil Hertz 2.Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on "The Tonight Show." 1.Most Popular Beatle? Phil. |
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities 10.rink Molasses till you heave 9.Wet-bonnet contest 8.stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy 7.Buttermilk kegger 6.Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale 5.Get tattoo "Born to Raise Barns" 4.Cruise streets of Fort Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers 3.Sleep in until six A.M. 2.Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some ass 1.Churning butter naked |
Top Ten Least Popular Supermarket Chains 10.Pick n' Lick 9.Larva Town 8.Food Crypt 7.Risky's 6.Price Hiker 5.Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo 4.The Expiration Date Grab Bag 3.I'm-Not-Wearing-Pantry 2.Hitler's 1.Bag This! |
Top Ten Categories On Iraqi "Jeapordy!" 10.Things that won't set off airport security alarms 9.Nicknames for sand 8.Famoud Mohammeds 7.At home with Hitler 6.Games played with a human head 5.Ways to lose a hand 4.Tenty-three-letter-words 3.Ayatollas who have fallen out of their coffins 2.Sounds like "Shi'ite" 1.Broadway show tunes |
Top Ten Rejected Names For Kentucky Fried Chicken 10.Lifeless Bird Lumps 9.KFC And CPR 8.Hot Oily Hens 7.Greaseland 6.The You're-a-Little-Too-Late Petting Zoo 5.Heart Attack Helper 4.Jiffy Lube (already taken) 3.Home of the Soggy, Grease-Stained Bucket o' Fun 2.Food, Folks, and Fat 1.Artery Busters |
Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Helpful Invasion Tips 10.Don't phone ahead 9.Start with something easy---like France 8.Make sure everybody uses the rest rooms before your armoured columns rumble across international borders 7.Don't feed the racoons at KOA campsites 6.Nerve Gas: Don't leave home without it 5.If "Nightline" calls for an interview, make sure Ted Koppel's doing the show, not Forest Sawyer 4.Take along a gift for your host--for example, a puppet regime 3.Point out that people liked the British invasion of the 60's 2.Plenty of change for tollbooths 1.Don't just race through a country, take some time to stop and smell the goats |
Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Saddam Hussein 10.Cute way his nose wrinkles when he orders a Scud launch 9.THe way he playfully teased us about making us swim in our own blood 8.His terrorist-studded Oscar-watching parties 7.Those funny commercials where he'd say, "Time to make the doughnuts" 6.The Innocent way he'd look around, all confused, as everybody laughed at the mashed potatoes in his mustache 5.The way he made Donald Trump seem not so bad 4.Funny voice he'd use for sock puppet while ordering execution of family members 3.His "Just Folks" bunker horpitality 2.He gave bullies. thieves, and jerks a much-needed role model 1.The way you could make him jump a mile by popping a paper bag |
Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From A Kid 10."Are you really jolly or is it the Prozac?" 9."I can see what you had for lunch in your beard." 8"My mommy says that you're my real daddy." 7."Red is not your color, fat man." 6."I see dead people." 5."All I want for Christmas is some gamblin' money." 4."The lady over there said you're drunk." 3."What's your policy on giving cigarettes to kids?" 2."I'm Jewish--what are you gonna do about it?" 1"If I see one Teletubby -- I'm coming after you." |
Top Ten Top Ten Survivor Pickup Lines 10."That fire I fell into wasn't nearly as hot as you are, baby." (Michael) 9."If you don't eat for 6 days, I start looking like a young Paul Newman." (Rodger) 8."Forget the tribe, my pants have spoken." (Mitchell) 7."We'll eat anything." (Kel, Kimmi, Alicia, Debb, Nick, Jeff, Amber) 6."Mad Cow makes you sick, but Mad Dog makes you feel good." ("Mad Dog" Maralyn) 5."Is that an immunity idol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" (Tina) 4."Don't worry. Producers just made me look like a psycho bitch in editing." (Jerri) 3."It wasn't editing." (Keith) 2."If you show me your Ogakor I'll show you my Kucha." (Elisabeth) 1."Ever done it in the back of a Pontiac Aztek?" (Colby) |
Top Ten Rejected XFL Team Names 10.Florida Felons 9.Dallas Deadbeat Dads 8.Richmond 'Roid Rage 7.Las Vegas Lapdancerz 6.Washington Major-League Ass***** 5.Seattle Sex Offenders 4.Philadelphia Parole Violators 3.Cleveland Carjackers 2.Detroit Guys-Who-Will-Have-To-Go-Back-To- Their-Jobs-As-Security-Guards-When- The-League-Folds-In-About-A-Month 1.New York/New Jersey Ass Wranglers |
New Campbell Soup Slogans 10.M'm! M'm! Good! If eaten before April 1995 9.Free pennies inside every can 8.All-natural--except for the synthetic bacon 7.When there's absolutely nothing else in the house to eat 6.Hitler: bad. Soup: good 5.The official food of Glen Campbell 4.Remember, chicks dig guys who eat soup. 3.It's hot and wet! 2.Jimmy Stewart eats it, and he's damn near 150 years old. 1.M'm! M'm! Sodium benzoate! |